I couldn’t do a High 5 for Friday last week. Not on that Friday, one week after the school shooting in CT. Not even this week, just two weeks after the shooting.
The day of the shooting, my husband and I had taken the day off to go Christmas shopping. We were very late this year and both trying hard not to be crabby. I was standing in the stocking stuffing section of Target, very annoyed with this elderly couple talking on a cell phone. blocking the whole section. Annoyed until I heard what they were talking about (because old people tend to talk pretty loud on cell phones in a public place). They were getting the news and apparently had family in Newtown.
I was nauseous for the rest of the day.
We went home and picked up the kids. I just held them tight in the rocking chair, even though they are officially too big to both sit on my in that rocking chair. That evening we had to go out to a company holiday party. Not the place to talk about it.
We watched snippets of the news when the kids were asleep or not around, or reading things online. Lots of misinformation, poor reporting. I still feel like I don’t have any idea what happened. But perhaps I don’t really want to know.
There is so much we don’t know or could never understand. The Whys. Why did this young man decide on this day to hurt so many people. Every time there is one of these mass shootings in the news, I feel a sense of relief if the shooter takes his own life. That makes me feel horrible. But when they are still alive, like the killer in Colorado, I wonder what they are thinking, feeling.
What on earth could these young men possible have lived through to possess them to commit such acts? Is it biochemical? Was there some serious brain abnormality? Or was it all societal abuse or injustice? I was home last summer and watched the hearing when the shooter in Colorado appeared on tv for the first time. Social media and the tv commentators talked about how evil he looked. I didn’t see that at all. I saw a hurt little boy who was someone’s son and he had no idea what he had done or even what seemed to be going on around him.
And I wonder about the families of these shooters. How horrible to bear the shame of having their sons commit such an atrocity. How do you live with that? How do you mourn that? Perhaps the mother was Newtown was spared a lifetime of pain after learning what her son had done.
Two weeks later, these poor families in Connecticut must be in complete shock. How do you ever cope with the violent loss of such sweet innocent babies? How do you ever move forward? How do ever celebrate Christmas again? How do you even breathe again?